Tuesday, 24 November 2009

Self Pity Time

I am feeling pretty angry at the moment. I am going through, what is I think, the hardest time in my life. People that I don't know really well, or just social friends have been so good to me during this time. But I have been practically abandoned by my 'best friends'. The girls I grew up with. They don't care, they showed obligatory concern, but essentially they abandoned me when I needed them them the most. These people were meant to know me more than anyone else, but they don't care.

A couple of nights ago, my sizable network of friends suddenly shrunk. Its at times like this when you know who truly is a friend. I was just proven that a lot of them have never been. I'm not always going to be around for the good times and picking up other people's shit anymore. When I needed patience, kindness and dare I say it? Sympathy. When I desperately needed these things, they couldn't be bothered, and just left me.

In less than two weeks, I am going to make some huge decisions regarding my 'friends'. I will not have the same social network I had for twenty years. I have made a conscious decision to not be their friends ever again. Its hard and scary and I miss them like crazy at the moment. But I gotta remember that they were never really my friends.

I saw a therapist a few years back and she broke the ethical code and started telling me what to do to get out of my shitty life instead of helping me to cope. I am going to see a counsellor this week because apparently i have a WHOLE lot of issues that I'm suppressing. I keep wanting to cry and I just want to stop feeling like this. Anyway, I asked for a guy counsellor - I'm hoping he'll be less 'hippy'.

My doctor gets on my nerves. He makes me fill a thousand forms for a sleeping pill - even though he knows the recent events. He won't give me anything without a lecture - even treatment for when I had acne. I just sometimes want to grab his face and scream - GIVE ME SOME ANTI DEPRESSANTS YOU FUCKKKK! But I don't because he's a senior and I have to respect the elders don't I?

As I'm writing, I think I've figured out what I want to do with this blog. I think I'm going to force myself to write positive / happy things when I feel this blue. I've started watching a lot of beauty you-tube stuff. Now video blogs are far too 'techy' for me, so I am going to attempt this blog. It will take some time to get the hang of it, but bear with me (all zero of you who will ever read this!).

I'll probably start with talking about favourite things. Beauty products, books, films blah blah. That should take my mind off negative self-destructive thoughts about and people na? Yes, thats what I shall do. I will even attempt to put pictures up of things! Hurrah! Just thinking about it is making me stop thinking about the sad things... oops, I've started thinking about it again.

Now I will publish this first post, and start looking around this blog thing to see what its all about.

Hopefully, a fun post tomorrow